In 2019, I found myself hungering for more spiritual food, more challenge, more insight. I started attending annual retreats at the St. Andrews Abbey, where Benedictine monks live in Valyermo, CA.
- Friday, 20 December 2019 3:00 PM –
Sunday, 22 December 2019 10:00 AM - Synopsis: In ancient and modern monastic spirituality the chanting of psalms is believed to
have the power of both purifying the soul and enabling the Christian to perceive God’s inner
purposes (“logoi”) embedded within history and creation. In this workshop the monastic
tradition of psalmody will be studied and practiced by participants in order to help them
appreciate three spiritual levels or uses of the Psalter: first, the psalms as a means of
repentance and inner transformation; second, the Psalter as a mirror of one’s relationships in
the world; and third, the Psalter as a window into heaven. Chants to be studied will include
traditional Gregorian antiphons and later hymns by Hildegard of Bingen, as well as modern
forms of psalmody chanted at Saint Andrew’s Abbey.
Normal Daily Schedule
6:00 am VIGILS – Office of Readings (Except on Sunday)
7:30 am LAUDS – Morning Praise
8:00 am Breakfast (In Silence)
12:00 pm CONVENTUAL MASS
12:50 pm Lunch
6:00 pm VESPERS – Evensong
6:30 pm Dinner (In Silence)
8:30 pm COMPLINE – Night Prayer
Presenter: Father Luke Dysinger – Fr. Luke has been a monk of Valyermo since 1976. He is
a priest and a physician who writes and teaches in the fields of mystical theology and
biomedical ethics. He earned a Ph.D. at Oxford University and currently teaches at St. John’s
Seminary in Camarillo, CA as well as online courses.
Day 1:
- When I arrived at the retreat, I asked myself, “Why am I here?” What am I looking for
God to do during this weekend? I couldn’t come up with anything. I struggled during
“Vespers”, not being able to follow along, AT ALL. I was embarrassed and frustrated.
Dinner was awkward and difficult because of the “buffet line”. A stranger offered to help
me. It all worked out in the end. - The first workshop session was really good. Fr. Luke spoke about the need for us to
reflect back to God whatever we thought or felt when we read/sing the Psalms. It
doesn’t matter, good or bad, just talk to God, using the Psalms as the spark to ignite
the conversation. I then started to really relax and try to open up to whatever the Holy
Spirit wanted to say to me. I stopped trying to judge and condemn myself. I just
listened to Him. - What I heard from God during the “Compline” this evening: God loves me more than I
love myself. God forgives me more than I forgive myself. God is not ashamed to be my
God, even though I feel terribly ashamed of myself. God is still faithful to me, even
though I haven’t been faithful to Him. He will never forsake me.
Day 2:
- I got up at 5am so I could attend “Vigils” at 6am. I couldn’t make the shower work, so I
had to stick my head in the sink and wash it. The water warmed up and it was actually
pretty nice. At breakfast, one of the monks offered to get me a plate of food. He was
very kind and I accepted his helpfulness. - When I was a new Christian, I believed everything God told me. He said that He loved
me, and I believed Him. But, even before knowing God, I had put a great value on the “rule of law” in my life. Somehow, I expected that my new relationship with God would
bring me closer to “teleios” (completion of purpose, full maturity, perfection).
Unfortunately, the truth was quite different. I have found that although I gained
knowledge, and performed good deeds, my character and integrity remained “very
incomplete, and basically broken”. - In mid-life, a crisis of belief occurred for me when I found myself committing sins that I
had believed were completely contrary to my identity. I began to question my true
nature. Had I turned permanently away from God’s Will for my life? I judged my heart
harshly and condemned myself constantly. - Satan took advantage of my self-hatred and pushed me towards increasing despair.
When I read the Bible, it seemed my life was “out of harmony” with the heart of God. I
interpreted this as proof that I had seriously gone-off-the-rails, and was in a place
where God’s grace could not reach me. - Yesterday, God told me I was wrong to think that He didn’t love me. I was wrong to pull
away from my Savior who had promised to never forsake me. I was full of wrong
thinking and wrong conclusions. - This morning God specifically told me when He and I disagree, I need to change
whatever it is that I think is true, and trust Him. He is always right. It’s pride to think that
God’s arm is too short to save me. It’s pride to think God doesn’t want to or can’t finish
what He started in me (teleios). If I just let go, He will do everything that is needed.
